The Center of My Life

St. Sebastian-themed Tie

The tie to the left was my one art project this year at the family resort at which we were on vacation.  It is multi-colored--I hardly realized there were nine different and mostly pastel colors) of Sharpie and I didn't even use them all.  In the middle you find two arrows and a coarse drawing of an open book.  The open book was intended to represent the Bible.  I had not intended it, but my sister said there was a bit of a snakeskin look to the tie.

As I enter the new year, I think about what the tie represents.  We are not insects, but if we think of the body as consisting of the head, the torso, and the legs the tie is worn down the center of the central part of the body.  Thus, I look for symbols of how what it represents as the center of my life.  And most of what it brings to me are things that relate to my end of year blog that reflected on 2012 and looked ahead to 2013.

First, it shows creativity.  Readers may have their own opinions as to whether it shows much talent, but my wife (who was making a scarf while I made my tie in the class last week) thought it showed creativity that she does not often see in me.  That is not to say that I have no creativity.  Just that it does not often come out through drawing as opposed to words, music, or even my teaching.  I am planning a new class for 2013 and trying to revise several others.  And who knows what other things I will be called on to be creative for in 2013 on the job.  Each year brings new and interesting challenges.  I look forward to continue to using my creativity and hope that it can remain central to my life.

The Bible is at the center of what will show when I wear the tie.  My spirituality is central to my life.  Thinking about what maters an why.  For me, that is manifested through my relationship with church.  Being part of the worship band.  Teaching Sunday school.  Helping out with the running of Sunday school.  Being a part of the St. Pius X community.  But thinking about what matters and why is not just about church.  (And not about church for everyone else.)  Spirituality can be about running.  Spirituality can be about not wasting any talent as a talent is as important a resource in the world as oil or water or wheat or gold.  Spirituality in its many forms is central to my life.

The Bible and the two arrows are both reminders of themes from St. Sebastian's life.  I have written a great deal about what I think of St. Sebastian and why over the past year in the process leading to the completion of my tattoo.  This Saturday, I will take the final step in a touch up visit with the artist.  St. Sebastian is part of my spirituality.  St. Sebastian is part of a reminder to speak out.  St. Sebastian is part of a a reminder to get back up again and keep trying. St. Sebastian is also an important reminder of just how much we rely on others and the hope and help they bring to our lives.  He would not have been able to continue after being shot by archers if it were not for the help of another.  The arrows themselves represent challenges.  There are many challenges in life--and there will continue to be many more.  All of them have to be faced an either overcome or set aside to the degree possible. The facing and overcoming relate to St. Sebastian.  The setting aside to the degree possible comes back to part of the Serenity Prayer--accepting what I cannot change.

The multiple colors coud be one of two things.  In the spirit of St. Sebastian they could represent the heterogenous group of individuals who help me in my life.  Taking the "snakeskin" comment and thinking about snakes in the Bible, we could also think of them as representing the heterogenous challenges.  In either case, there is a pattern.  Part of my way of dealing things is finding the patterns and using them as a way to represent the challenges and good aspects of life for my own purposes in sorting things out.

All this from a two hour project with a silk tie and a bunch of Sharpies.  Who knows what this year will bring in creativity and blogging with this type of start.  

Getting a Tattoo, Getting a Massage, Giving Blood--Things Where the Serenity Prayer Helps

Today, I got my first tattoo.  Color  will be added in September.  It turned out to be more than I could ever have imagined.  The artist was incredible and the process was not something I'd want to do every day but really not so bad.

I commented to Emily (the artist) while she was working that I was glad I had chosen to get it in a place that I really couldn't easily see while she was working.  She found this curious and told me that whenever she got a new one she would do everything she could to contort herself to see.  She talked about being a type A personality.

At the time, I said that I saw an analogy with getting a full body massage.  And since then I have also thought of an analogy with the process of giving blood.  The last of these is highly ironic given the wait to donate after getting a tattoo in at least some places.

What is the analogy.  Well, I relate it back to the Serenity prayer--where i ask for the courage to change things I can and the serenity to accept those I can't.  Before I decide to donate blood, to get a massage, or to get a tattoo I have the power to make the choice.  To choose to do it.  Doesn't take much courage to get a therapeutic massage but getting a tattoo and giving blood require at least a bit of gumption--if not courage.  But once I have started, in any of the three settings (tattooing, massaging, or blood donation), I simply let go.  There is nothing more I can do.  All I can do is have the experience.  That sets me free.  My leg muscles tightened a little, but I did not break a sweat and I did not have my heart rate go up.  I just relaxed.

Sometimes, we have to figure out that we can change things we don't want to.  But the ability to accept those things that we truly cannot change is an amazing release.  It is almost empowering to let go.     

Bib 451: Jonah 4:5 and the rest of 1 Chapter

So, today I actually participated in two races.  The first was a 5K race in which my 12 year old got second in his age group.  I am (and all the rest of my Back on My Feet teammates and our whole family all are) so proud of him.  That was the race at 7:30 this morning.  For me, it was a nice jog, but it was already hot and humid.  So, when I ran the race I was really planning to run at 8:30 (after a brief rest), I had a race that was okay but not quite what I had hoped for.  My bib number in the second race (my race) was 451.  Maybe, this is stretching the intent of my bib number to Bible verse linkage, but I found that Jonah 4:5 and the rest of 1 chapter (I've used the 4:5 and 1) really does help me to put today in perspective a bit.

Taken from the New American Bible Revised Edition, the verses follow:

5 Jonah then left the city for a place to the east of it, where he built himself a hut and waited under it in the shade, to see what would happen to the city.  6 Then the LORD God provided a gourd plant. And when it grew up over Jonah’s head, giving shade that relieved him of any discomfort, Jonah was greatly delighted with the plant.  7 But the next morning at dawn God provided a worm that attacked the plant, so that it withered.  8 And when the sun arose, God provided a scorching east wind; and the sun beat upon Jonah’s head till he became faint. Then he wished for death, saying, “It is better for me to die than to live.”
9 But God said to Jonah, “Do you have a right to be angry over the gourd plant?” Jonah answered, “I have a right to be angry—angry enough to die.”  10 Then the LORD said, “You are concerned over the gourd plant which cost you no effort and which you did not grow; it came up in one night and in one night it perished.  11 And should I not be concerned over the great city of Nineveh, in which there are more than a hundred and twenty thousand persons who cannot know their right hand from their left, not to mention all the animals?”

In the entire book of Jonah, the prophet almost always seems to have a different view of what should be happening than God does.  The end of the book of Jonah (which these verses represent) are no exception.  In particular, this is a set of verses about things definitely not turning out the way someone expects.  Today's race was not what I expected.  I could like a whole host of reasons why not.  The heat. Recent tiredness.  Putting on a few pounds since my best races this spring.  Still the hamstring, although that really wasn't an issue today.  Having at least jogged the 5K before the 10K.  But, when all is said and done, it could just be that it wasn't my day.  I knew that at some point I could not continue to run consecutive personal bests.  And given how lightly I'd taken the last three weeks (since the hamstring strain), I really had now idea what to expect going in.  

A the end of the book of Jonah, Jonah challenges God and asks why he can't be angry.  God points out that Jonah is concerned about something that was an unexpected gift while God is concerned about something that is much more important.  In many ways, I can also see that in today's race.  Maybe today was not supposed to be about me.  Maybe today was mostly supposed to be about Joshua.  Maybe Joshua--as a developing almost teenager whose faith is still in much more of a formational stage--needs much more of God's attention than I do.  And, maybe I had begun to take the gift of the speed I was given, the desire I was given, and the opportunities I have been given for granted.  Perhaps today's outcome was just right in the eyes of God--getting me to refocus so that I can continue to work on my running.  I can use my running to improve myself and to contribute to others.  And by working with Joshua for all 30 minutes and 24 seconds from when we passed the starting line to when we crossed the finish line, I did exactly what I was supposed to accomplish today--even if it wasn't exactly what I had planned

The key is to remember that God's plans are often bigger and always more important than my plans and it is his will that should be done, not mine.  A bit of a tangent at this point, but it often seems to come back to the serenity prayer.   

1 Kings 3:14-25

OK. I ran only one race this winter before the marathon on Sunday--and when I ran that one I didn't link either my bib number or my time to a Bible verse. This time, I am going to link both my bib number (in a later entry) and my time. My time, as everyone who reads my blog regularly knows by now, was 3:14:25. My link to scripture will be form the Old Testament this time: 1 Kings 3:14-25. (And, I know the 1 was not part of my time, but this really is the best verse.) From the Catholic approved New American Bible-Revised Edition

"And if you walk in my ways, keeping my statutes and commandments, as David your father did, I will give you a long life. Solomon awoke; it was a dream! He went to Jerusalem, stood before the ark of the covenant of the Lord, sacrificed burnt offerings and communion offerings, and gave a feast for all his servants.

Later, two prostitutes came to the king and stood before him. One woman said: “By your leave, my lord, this woman and I live in the same house, and I gave birth in the house while she was present. On the third day after I gave birth, this woman also gave birth. We were alone; no one else was in the house with us; only the two of us were in the house. This woman’s son died during the night when she lay on top of him. So in the middle of the night she got up and took my son from my side, as your servant was sleeping. Then she laid him in her bosom and laid her dead son in my bosom. I rose in the morning to nurse my son, and he was dead! But when I examined him in the morning light, I saw it was not the son I had borne.” The other woman answered, “No! The living one is my son, the dead one is yours.” But the first kept saying, “No! the dead one is your son, the living one is mine!” Thus they argued before the king. Then the king said: “One woman claims, ‘This, the living one, is my son, the dead one is yours.’ The other answers, ‘No! The dead one is your son, the living one is mine.’” The king continued, “Get me a sword.” When they brought the sword before the king, he said, “Cut the living child in two, and give half to one woman and half to the other.”

What does this say to me.  Well, it is all about Solomon's following God--he was all in.  This is a theme I've discussed a lot lately.

It also shows Solomon's wisdom.  The story ends, of course, with the prostitute who was actually the child's  mother agreeing to give the child away rather than seeing the child cut in half  and Solomon recognizing that she was the mother.  Why is this important with respect to this marathon?

First, about qualifying for Boston, I really can use the serenity prayer once again.  I have to accept what I cannot change. I cannot change the rules about how to get into Boston.  I cannot change how other people do. I cannot change who chooses to register.  Did it take courage to change and improve my own time?  Some may say so. Others may call it other things.  But separating what I change (whatever is required) from things others have control over is an important step.

Second, during the race, my splits show the wisdom of running a consistent and not too fast first half.  

Finally, the entire reading is simply an overall reflection of the importance of (as it begins) walking in Gods ways.  This time, it was more running in his ways. But, regardless, the key was that I used the gifts that God has given me, I felt God's pleasure, and I have been able to bring a message of hope and accomplishment to those with whom I run in Back on My Feet.  

Running Personality

I am not someone who has ever thought of himself as an extrovert. When I took the Myers-Briggs personality test several years ago I was clear an introvert. And, I continue to see myself as someone who is comfortable with the idea of being alone. Alone to think. Alone to run. Alone to cook. Alone to just do things.


I bet my fellow runners in Back on My Feet or with the Charm CIty Run training groups would be surprised to hear that I have always considered myself to be a strong introvert.


It is important to remember that being introverted in a "Myers-Briggs" sense means that a person draws strength from being alone. Likes to "return" to being alone. It is not that the introverted person does not like groups.


But as I continue my process of "running, reflection, and writing," I am quickly realizing that maybe if I took the Myers-Briggs test now, I'd come out much more mixed or perhaps even an extrovert. I am beginning to find, in my 40's, that I draw strength from group settings. Indeed, it is true that I still am most comfortable talking with just a single other runner. And, I doubt I will ever be a strong extrovert/life of the party type. But, I do find myself shifting.


The contrast between my introverted history and my more extroverted future was very evident in two recent runs. On Saturday morning, I was enjoying hanging with the Charm City Run group before we got started. I could have gone with two friend from last fall, but went with the large group--sort of. I say sort of, because I actually went the same direction as the large group but then took off at my own pace so that I'd make a later morning commitment. When I was caught, I enjoyed talking with another runner--and really felt like I drew strength from the presence of and conversation with another runner.


Then, this morning, I made a commitment to go with the Back on My Feet--Christopher's Place team. Nothing new at this point, but I had to be there by 5:30, ran 4 miles, was home by just past 6:30, out the door by 6:35, and had my 15 year old to the dentist in time for his 7 AM appointment. There are many reasons I like running with Back on My Feet, and one is clearly the group aspect of the activity. I enjoy meeting other people. I enjoy talking to and listening to others on our runs. And, while I may only be in conversation with one or two at a time rathe than being part of a grope of 5-7 and in a bigger conversation, on any one day I can talk to a whole bunch of different people. This morning, I had brief conversations with at least a half-dozen different people between the time I arrived, the time of gathering, and the time of running. I'll go back and forth between different runners in the group to have conversations. And, I'll talk about anything ranging from music (particularly as it relates to worship), to cooking, to the Orioles, to how busy everyone is, and just about anything else under the sun. The time of gathering is another good example of where a person an drawn strength from a group. We circle up, have announcements, and join in the Serenity Prayer.


I don't want to go out of my way to take a formal Myers-Briggs any time soon again, but it is interesting to ponder how running has affected my personality. I think it is a positive change. Not that there was anything wrong with being an I rather than an E for the past forty-one years. Just interesting to see how shifting toward E in the future will lead to new opportunities, different choices, and new open doors that I might not even have explored in the past.

To Live a Prayer

Yesterday, I commented on how I felt like I was achieving what a dear old friend (who is no longer with us) once said about my living a prayer.  When she first used that phrase, it took me a while to wrap my brain around.  Some Catholic prayers, e.g. the Apostles’ or Nicene Creed, are mostly statements of fact.  They suggest action only inasmuch as belief involves action.  Some prayers, like the Hail Mary, ask for action from another—in this case asking for intercession on our behalf. 

However, now that I have come to grips with what “living a prayer” might mean in my own life, I have been giving some thought to how standard prayers could be associated with living a prayer.  In other words, how I could have realized this concept long ago.

As I commented yesterday, I’ve been living out a very personal prayer.  My personal daily prayer, almost a mantra to be repeated, to be focused on, and to be mediated on, is “Thank you, God, for all those things with which you have blessed me and help me to continue to realize how your will can be manifested in the way I think and act.”   That involves doing things to show thanks, and making sure that what I understand God to want for me shows up in what I do with my family, with my colleagues, with my students, with my running partners, and with anyone else with whom I associate.

What “standard” prayers suggest actions that can be lived?  As I think about that question, the Lord’s Prayer comes to mind.  “Thy will be done.”  That is not just a random phrase.  Making sure that God’s will is done takes quite a bit of action.  Also “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who have trespassed against us,” is a very active phrase.  We have to forgive others if we someday expect the same from God. 

In the Serenity Prayer (which may not fall under the category of standard Christian prayers but is very familiar in today’s culture) the simple phrases “grant me the strength to change what I can change,” “grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change,” and “grant me the wisdom to know the difference” all imply some type of action.  Serenity and wisdom suggest mostly mental or interpersonal action rather than physical action, but it is action nevertheless.

The Ten Commandments are not a prayer per se but are all about how we live out our lives.  The Beatitudes could be put in a similar category.  The “Act of Contrition” involves a resolution, and even the name of the prayer includes “Act” implying action.

I would also consider part of the Prayer of St. Francis to be action oriented.  “Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love.  For it is in giving that we receive.  It is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.” Each of those phrases involves doing something—consoling, or perhaps more generally being there, there others.  Understanding others.  Loving and showing our love for others.  Giving.  Pardoning.  And dying—at least have our own desires die and be replaced by those of the Eternally alive God.

So, the idea of the taking the actions suggested by a prayer, in other words living a prayer, is really not such a strange idea.  Living the actions suggested by standard prayers is fine.  Finding the words our own hearts and souls are yearning to fulfill and living those out can be even more powerful.

Step-by-step

Step by step, I have been chasing a dream.  I have not been chasing another person.  I have been chasing one thing--a time.  For quite some time, I have chased the idea of proving that I am faster than I was before.  Obviously, at this point, I'm not faster than I was in high school.  I am faster than I have been any time since then.  I hope to stay this way for a while.  I hope to see just how fast I can run the half marathon and marathon and reach personal bests.  Perhaps the marathon time will qualify me for Boston.  Perhaps not.  I realize there will come a day when all my personal bests will be behind me.  Then, I imagine that as long as I run I will still chase times.  However, at that point, I will just be chasing the last time I ran, trying to get stay at a specific level for the future.

I said I have not been chasing another person.  However, in a strange way, I have been chasing a person--myself.  In a strange way, I have been chasing the person I think I can be.  I should be satisfied with who I am.  I should be satisfied with making the most of the gifts God has given me, as long as I am making the most of them and completing the tasks I have begun.

I also have been chasing another dream.  A dream to find a way to make my running mean something beyond just fitness.  A dream to bring my running to life in new ways.  A dream to make my running fit perfectly with the first line of the Serenity Prayer--my running should reflect my strength to change the things I can.  How do things change?  Giving time to others.  Giving advice to others.  Giving hope to others.  Giving encouragement to others.  Giving friendship to others.  And graciously taking whatever my fellow runners give in return.

The others include my son, my fellow non-resident runners in Back on My Feet, the resident runners in Back on My Feet, and the group from Charm City Run that has become a bit of a band of brothers (and sisters) with my being a part of a wonderful training group for eight months now, and even old friends I ran with years ago who still cheer me on and share stories from afar.